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If I sit here and think back, I wonder how on earth I could do it? I enjoyed it so much I would have been able to tell you straight what I wanted to do with you as well. I would have been able to tell you exactly how I felt and said we should go to the room, but as I sit here now, never".

Oliver 2 – where I’m caught snooping, and punished. – Carla Señora's Erotic Adventures

Not being able to be congruent with their selves made interpersonal interactions or relationships difficult as they do not know who they are, and whether they are acceptable the way they are. Being on substances provides courage to interact with others and feeling accepted: "I was accepted, it was awesome I was fine and energetic and confident, but in a good way, everyone liked me Another participant confirmed: ''To help you feel acceptable You know, I think it made me feel more acceptable then".

The following participant described how he functioned when drunk: "I think I saw my personality more back then, if I had alcohol in me I had a smoother tongue, I could talk my way around things easier and get into a woman' s head and if she was intoxicated, well then, then it was even easier. We could communicate nicely, put some music on and dance You bond easier if both have had a few drinks ".

In Proposition 11 Rogers explains the experiences of the participants of not feeling accepted. Non-acceptance is experienced as threatening to the self and refers to an inner conflict between how people see themselves and not being accepted the way they want to be.

Oliver 2 – where I’m caught snooping, and punished.

Instead of dealing with the non-acceptance or of not being valued on a conscious level, the substance use assists the participants to 'relate' to people and feel accepted. It is interesting that in sub-theme 2. In the discussion of the first sub-theme we referred to Rogers's Proposition 10, which explains that there are experiences and values integrated congruently into the self-structure of the person, but there may be values which are adopted from others. These values are "perceived in distorted fashion" Rogers The inner conflict that develops between the self and the adopted values then creates psychological tension.

The person does not own his or her experiences and behaviour, and the locus of control is not located within the person Rogers, The inconsistent experience is seen as a threat to the self, and the person then attempts to preserve the self through substance use. I am probably not the perfect daughter today, here I sit in rehab I will never be perfect Why am I only good enough when I drink? I feel sexy, my body is fine I am good, I can give a man pleasure and can enjoy I am only good enough when I drink The following example further illustrates the external locus of control which exists as the reason for using substances: "I feel sometimes it is a demon that needs to be fed with wizza whiskey and good sex and then I go on a spree again I don't know I guess it is first the horniness driving me to drink I can't figure having an exciting sex life without the drink I really need to relax at times, the demon It seems that the sexual interaction and the substance abuse heighten the sexual experiences, bring relief for the psychological tension and assist in their experience of acceptance, preserving and being and accepting themselves.

According to Rosdahl and Kowalski , Van Eeden, and Nace in Erlank, , chemical substances directly affect the human central nervous system and result, amongst various other effects, in a euphoric state of awareness, experiences of relief, relaxation, escape, euphoria and sedation, and can serve as a further motivation for future substance use.

Theme 2: The function of substance abuse in sexual experiences. Participants indicated that engaging in risky sexual relationships provide experiences of being accepted; however, they could not accept risky sexual behaviours as part of the construct of self when they were sober. The participants reported that they did not take ownership of their behaviour when intoxicated and could then embark on risky sexual behaviours and fantasies. This notion is supported by Tapert, Aarons, Sedler and Brown , Mudavanhu and Schenck and the World Drug Report , who confirmed that substances users tend to engage in risky sexual behaviour which they would not have done otherwise.

Some of the participants shared that when chemical substances were used, certain behaviours were "allowed": "and he looked like one of those fucker men that would do it good and hard and leave A male participant further confirmed that he would act on sexual fantasies when under the influence of alcohol: "I went to Teazers a nightclub or whatever, what you wouldn't do if you were sober And do, not just think, but have the courage to actually go and do it And women, I have seen it a lot, they are prim and proper, but as soon as they have alcohol in, then they are horny Participants also explained: "Wouldn't have done when I was sober.

Then I would have, as they say, 'Dutch courage' to do whatever I think of, what I normally would not have done. That' s what I realised about myself and saw with many other people And: ''if a person uses alcohol the real you comes out All those things that you fantasise about and suppress, when you use alcohol those inhibitions disappear Another participant elaborated: " Dammit, I can really get kinky when I am pissed I like guys with nice cocks I guess Well it is said I'm not gay, but If I am pissed, I guess I always had fantasies about men Furthermore, the participants explain the enhancement of sexual pleasure as a result of the use of chemical substances, as will be explained under the next theme.

The participants shared the pleasures and excitement of sex when using drugs: "totally awesome I promise you, it is incredible, ten times better, more intense compared to normal One also explains that it is not only heightened the experience but it enhances the duration of the sexual experience: "it' s better than you would normally do it, you get more satisfaction for a longer period when you are on Cat".

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The participants share that they could prolong the duration of sexual experiences as well as the pleasure associated with these sexual acts. Chemical substances would further enhance the sexual experience to be more pleasurable and allowed the person to experience heightened pleasure. It was further reported that when using substances, they felt more confident about their physical appearance and less concerned that they would be unattractive to others. Internally chemically , substance use alters the awareness, numbs inhibitions and eliminates adopted values from others and, in so doing, facilitates pleasurable experiences for the person: " It' s probably the way in which they touch you and touch you for longer You are also not shy to do what is good and of your body ".

Participants using stimulants such as Cat reported heightened sensory awareness and perception: "your skin You are very sensitive The physical sensation of it, its good Your whole body feels good".

Chemical substances enhance sensory stimulation up to a euphoric level of extraordinary experience, according to the participants. Touch and feel were explained as super-sexual experiences. The enhanced euphoric experience held further facilitative functions for the person and the rewards experienced included heightened self-esteem, acceptance by others, recognition of the self as well as the temporary reconstruction of the self as being acceptable and attractive to one's self and to others. The participants shared that the fantasies were brought to the experiential level, but the implication was that they would not be able to experience the same euphoric pleasure without the use of chemical substances Sobczak, ; Sue et al.

In this study the female participants indicated that alcohol would enhance sexual arousal and would then facilitate pleasurable sexual experiences: "You know, I think it also goes in phases, if you start Then it decreases again, I mean the amount that you drink and the constant drinking But in general, you do But right throughout my life I can see alcohol awakened something in me ". Sobczak draws attention to unexpected or unpredictable sexual behaviour when persons, especially women, are under the influence of chemical substances. Whether the substance user's substances of choice were stimulants or suppressants, the substance use was found to be facilitative the satisfaction of the person's sexual and relationship needs.

Fantasizing your wife having sex with another man—why is it such a turn-on?

Participants were aware of certain needs that were satisfied by means of combining sexual acts with chemical substance use, but most were not aware that there were deeper underlying unsymbolised needs. For some, the self was perceived as powerless and unattractive when sober, but participants explained that they had learnt how to chemically manipulate the psychological perception of the self. They further symbolised the need to "discover the true self" by numbing their current awareness. This allowed enhanced sexual interaction with others and new experiences into the concept of self: "the Cat lifts your sex drive enormously, incredibly I never had a very high sex drive, maybe because it was always such a taboo subject for me, but on Cat it was a different story; it sexually charges you, you are charged up I would be far more relaxed and open in a club.

Also, I had huge issues about my body, but if there was a guy and he, he leads you on, then I would just go with him, no problem Based on the above it can be argued that euphoria is biologically generated by the sex act and in order to enhance the euphoric state, the central nervous system is chemically stimulated to release even more dopamine.

The reverse could also happen, where the chemical euphoric state is improved by adding sex to the formula. The above assumption can be stated in the following short formula Fig. In other words, the person has now experimented and reached the conclusion that substances create euphoria and by adding sex the euphoria can be increased to a "super"-euphoric state. This last sub-theme explained that individuals discover that they can add value to their sexual experiences by using chemical substances. A chemical substance-induced euphoric state could thus be heightened by adding sexual pleasures or vice versa.

This provides even more relief for psychological tension and provides heightened experiences of acceptance, albeit very temporarily, unattached and unsymbolised. Two main themes with their sub-themes were highlighted in this article, which supports the notion that substance dependence is a complex phenomenon, with deep-seated personal experiences of not being good enough, experiences of non-acceptance and conflict between who the person is the self and outside expectations.

The use of substances alters experiences and engaging in risky sexual behaviour is used to relieve psychological tension and heighten acceptance of the self and of others. Rogers and Grobler et al. The whole of the person refers, among other things, to the emotions, actions, experiences, perceptions and values of the person. The findings suggest that the psychological tension, the need for acceptance and being themselves, the substance abuse and the sexual experiences are interconnected in the process to fulfil the need to be congruent and be accepted who they are.

While drinking I really was not in contact with myself or anyone else". What became apparent from the interviews was that the self was constructed according to values adopted from others parents or community. Participants reported that they were able to control or ignore these adopted values through substance abuse and their sexual behaviour. These adopted values were not necessarily congruent with and owned by the person.

The need arises to suppress these values "morals" without experiences of guilt or shame psychological tension. The substance abuse and sexual actions supported this process. The development of the individual's own value system is no longer based upon experiences which have been symbolised in a distorted way, but rather as a continuing of their own valuing process Rogers, Individuals will trust themselves and make their own decisions in the process of self-reconstruction Sternberg, Ultimately, the purpose of counselling is to assist a client to experience realness and change, and this is facilitated by creating conditions which are growth-promoting and free from external judgements Grobler et al.

This study indicates that there are multiple elements that threaten the self and that the person is not always able to significantly view the self consciously as experienced. Once experiences are symbolised and accepted into the structure of the self, then reorganisation of self-structure and an integrated functioning of the self can be facilitated Grobler et al.

As Rushdie says: "to have power over the story that dominates their lives, the power to retell it, deconstruct it and change it" - to be able to have new experiences, thoughts and behaviours. The findings suggest that the use of substances and sexual activities assists the individual in relieving psychological tensions. The "super"-euphoric experiences as described by the participants should be taken into consideration in the holistic treatment process and become part of the symbolisation and reconstruction process of the person.

Abnormal psychology, an integrative approach. London: Thomson Wadsworth. Research design, qualitative, quantitative and mixed method approaches 3 rd ed. Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publications. Research at grass roots: for the social sciences and human service professions 4 th ed. Pretoria: JL van Schaik Publishers.

Overcoming the effects of sexual abuse: developing a self-perception of competence. Adelaide: Dulwich Centre Publications. Die substansafhanklike geneesheer, 'n maatskaplikewerk-perspektief. Pretoria: University of Pretoria. Person-centred facilitation: process, theory and practice. Cape Town: Oxford University Press. Provoking the desire. The Lancet, Disorders of desire: addiction and problems of intimacy. Journal of Medical Humanities, 25 3 : MDMA Ecstasy : abuse and high risk sexual behaviour among gay and bisexual men.

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London: Mosby. LOUW, D. Child and adolescent development. Bloemfontein: Psychology Publications. It was called "Soul Fucked. Many invited black men to do so. It's not so novel anymore. It's not a taboo because ever increasing interracial relationships and marriages are occurring. The new chic thing is incest porn. Of course, there's no telling if these are real mothers and sons. I'm not sure this is the 1 fantasy. Porn sites still feature more girl on girl porn than anything else.

Where are these 'researchers" getting their information? However, if true, it is probably the result of more men being raised in single mother households, where they are indoctrinated with feminist man-hate from birth. This would explain why there are so many manginas and men who feel they deserve to be humiliated. Actually, you've got it backwards.

It's pretty well-known that it's men in very powerful positions who disproportionately have fantasies about a dominatrix. That is, it would seem that people with lots of power have a need to role play the excitement of losing that power. My hubby is highly educated and is very successful, but I am his dom in bed and we both prefer it that way. It doesn't make him any less "manly". And yes, he is very turned on by the idea of being humiliated watching me getting pleasured better by another man. I am a cuckold husband, very well educated with a PhD and own businesses and love being humiliated by my gorgeous wife who understands my needs and desires and she enjoys sex with bulls we both choose.

If there's any truth to the number of men fantasizing about something which not long ago was considered emasculating, and frankly still is emasculating, then Feminists have succeeded in neutering a plurality of men. Men make porn that they know pleases other men and then they blame feminists for it. Can men take responsibility for anything at all? Although I do love that the the statistics of what porn women do watch flies in the face of every feminist critic of porn ever.

That stuff with all the nipple clamps and pain? Yeah, not for guys. We don't get an ego kick form that, we like to cause pleasure hence the horrendous acting in porn directed at men. And women make porn that pleases other women, and gay women make porn that pleases gay women. And gay men make porn that pleases gay men. Imagine that. This is perfectly natural as women are not and never have been monogamous. New lovers turn us on so incredibly high and males thrive off that.

It has nothing to do with "feminist"! My wife has accepted this and now we have threesomes. Having a new girl completely revitalizes me Watching some slobs bang your wife while you get nothing just sounds like some kind of low-self esteem need to be degraded. What you're not getting is that it's role played, not real. BDSM is all about role playing being degraded, not actually being degraded against your will. As they often say, the bottom the subsurvient party is actually in charge. Lots of people enjoy the power play that's involved in things like BDSM.

You seem to be suggesting that anybody who would play the submissive role in any power play is merely someone who has "some kind of low-self esteem need to be degraded". So you really mean that as long as we had only healthy people with self-esteem, then everybody would only want to play the dominant role in BDSM, and there would be nobody to play the submissive role.

It's important understand the difference between reality and role play, probably the most essential aspect of the topic discussed here. I would say that my husband wanting to watch me with another man speaks to his confidence in our relationship, and his love for me and desire to see me enjoy sex to the fullest! I've always seen it that way. For me this happened early in life and is largely over now. I started to fantasize about it when I was maybe 17 and I had a girlfriend that was open to it.

I never forced or talked her into it and she would even ask me if it was OK to approach someone. We always kept it among extended friends, not strangers or anyone to close. We loved and respected each other and she was OK with allowing other women to be included as well. We mutually stopped in our 20's and got married and had a couple of experiments in our 30's.

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What differed in our experience compared to what I'm reading from most is that we only did it maybe 8 or 10 times, we always did it together, and only once did it include intercourse. It never became a lifestyle and I really don't think of myself as a Cuckold. You can be confident all you want, and then egos easily from outside parties can get involved.

Then all of this sudden it's not "fun and games" and "just" roleplay, and then here comes unproblems which many times just aren't worth it. Not only that there are some who believe the body and ones sexuality is sacred and not meant to be whored about loosely goosey especially when you are already with a person you love. Your reference to women as vaginas makes me think that your comment is reflective of nothing more than fantasy. That's all many women are. They use their sexuality to be noticed, but offer no other substance.

Just because you can't keep your legs closed don't go around and spread lies. But these people are talking a lot isn't true reality and is very degrading to women. Most women aren't monagomous when they lack an emotional connection and don't feel valued or abused by their partner. Its not rocket science. But women didn't do the whole monogamy because of love for their mate or because she didn't want to be a s l u t.

Women did it because the offspring was more favoured with the male they made them with. Another male would have less likely taken care of offaring that weren't his own and would even compete against any male son the woman would have. It also allowed women to form communities and ensure the kids were protected and safe. A lot of this is what is being lost now at days, right now we are living a huge social experiment and don't know what are going to be the consequences. As they say "variety is the spice of life. Funny you don't see Asian male, black female smut.

This quote from the opening section strikes me as particularly odd for two reasons: first, there is no expanding on this point in terms of precisely how many men percentage wise or in absolute terms were looking this kind of porn up. I would think that such figures would feature prominently in a piece talking about how common it is relative to other search terms, making the absence of actual numbers a rather large oversight.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, it sounds at odds with all the data I've seen from other sources. Perhaps Pornhub is not representative as to what kind of porn people are looking for, but cuckold porn doesn't even crack their top 20 list of terms or categories; a similar absence is evident on PornMD. I think that alone should make one skeptical of the claim that this type of porn is as popular as it is claimed to be here.

This claim shows up once and a while. It's another false "finding" designed as provocative click bait. Porn sights are abundant and easily found. They have categories already spelled out, you don't even have to type anything in search. If you're going to argue that people don't use google to search for porn, you must have a wish to be as wrong as possible. Searching for porn and erotica in general is one of google's biggest categories. Not sure how you missed that no-brainer. Yes, exactly, through Google. White women are angry as hell because they know most white dudes these days prefer Asian chicks over them It's about relinquishing control, something a responsible man in a high position in society does not get to do often.

Everybody wants what they can't have. These guys are secretly Gay and the self-imposed humiliation they feel is self-punishment for being Gay because they can't handle it. The fantasy of relinquishing control is even more common among women, perhaps even the most common default fantasy. I doubt most women are "secretly gay". No, I'm just good at putting myself in other peoples shoes, if you'll excuse the brag.

I'm not really intimidated by ideas and I enjoy researching things most people prefer not to talk about.

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  4. I prefer a more balanced sex life. She can take control one day but more often than not I'm steering the course. Certainly more pedestrian than you ;. My theory is that men experience their sexuality in relation to other men, not women. Women are just the conduit through which they prove relate to each other, jostle for position and prove their manhood. This explains why men think a guy is an alpha if he easily attracts women and a beta if he doesn't. It explains gang bangs, where men get to have sex with each other vicariously through a woman in order to prove themselves one of the pack.

    It explains homo-eroticism, where men bond with each other over pornography, strippers and prostitutes. I think a man who likes to watch or fantasize about his wife with another man is obviously a beta who is submitting to his alpha superior. He's just showing his belly to his bro. I don't think your theory is generally shared, though I'm sure it's true in some cases. Men differ quite a bit in their fantasies and reasons for wanting sex. Though some men bond over porn, many men watch it alone, and they're free to secretly watch an endless amount of male gay porn.

    Why bother with straight porn in secret if your theory is true? Not sure why you think women are an essential part of "homo-eroticism". There are plenty of gay men who are smart enough to realize they like other men only, and don't try to involve women in some sort of complicated switcheroo and self deception and denial. The fact is, there are plenty of men who are interested only in women, and enjoy the company of other men with no homo-erotic angle at all.

    Your observation makes little sense given its logical conclusion that men who did not have any homo-erotic desires would ONLY watch porn alone, would only watch lesbian porn which featured no men, would never go to a stripper club simply because there are men in the audience, and would never go to prostitutes!? Obviously not all men. Just a hell of a lot of them I'm talking about straight men, not homosexuals who obviously have a different orientation. Where do you think 'bros before hos' comes from?

    Where do you think the term 'pussy whipped' comes form? The ridiculing and social shaming of men who refuse to go to the strip club or who are against prostitution and porn? You don't have to watch pornography with other men to feel a sense of bonding with men over it. You don't have to watch gay porn to experience the homo-eroticism of male bonding. Of course with everything there are exceptions, but culturally this is definitely a thing. You seem to be insisting that "male bonding" is homo-erotic. Perhaps you're speaking from your own personal experience?

    Nothing wrong with that. But you're not speaking for "a hell of a lot of" men. Your comments were actually somewhat intriguing until you blew it at the end with the "labeling" of what men are. There is no such thing as a "superior" man who's just alpha and beta My husband has a cuckolding fantasy, and I will admit, I am very turned on by it. This is definitely something that we both want. My husband is a great man, definitely a beta in bed, and I would love to find a hot alpha while my husband watches.

    Your and your husband's fantasies are unusually well-matched. Are you being honest? Usually the woman would be doing this for somewhat different reasons. As for your husband watching you, you're more talking about a threesome where all parties are fully aware and agreeing to the activity. What you're describing is more what many would describe as just one of many typical activities in a swinger event.

    Cuckolding as a fantasy fetish usually means arranged "cheating", where the third party doesn't necessarily know the full picture and never meets the husband. You need to do a little more thinking and talking about this, especially with regard to how you find that "hot alpha" and what you tell him. No, our fantasies are not that unusual. In fact, more and more couples are enjoying this type of lifestyle today. I want to do this because I love sex and I have been with the same man for a decade now, and the opportunity to enjoy sexual pleasure from another man is very sexy.

    Just as sexy is that my husband is turned on by it. What I am describing is NOT swinging. I am describing cuckolding. My husband is to remain faithful to me always that is what we BOTH want , but I get to experience hot, sexy men, preferably with a larger cock than my husband. Most cuckolding relationships involve the husband watching his wife get pleasured in ways that he can't provide because the husband is generally more submissive.

    That's not really cuckolding in the normal sense. For one thing, the guy on the side isn't just anybody, but someone who has to agree and be comfortable with the situation. Which makes it more like swinging. Swingers have all kinds of limitations on what the wife and husband can do, and each is different. And I'm sure some of them fantasize a cuckolding event. Thing is, they're all in the room together.

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    Sure, call it cuckolding if you want. As for "preferably with a larger cock than my husband", that's more often something a clueless guy would fantasize or fear, less commonly a real woman's fantasy. And it's really not clear what you mean by a man not being able to pleasure you because he's submissive, which has nothing to do with penis size. Just saying, what's funny is that what you're writing sounds more like a clueless guy's idea of what a woman would want, not what most women would actually want in your situation.

    It's not about her, it's about him and what makes him feel less alpha.